the waiting game

I completely forgot how much the 2ww SUCKS.  Am I pregnant?  Did the swimmers reach their target?  Do I have a little embryo floating around, looking for a nice comfy place to burrow? 

No spotting yet.  With my previous pregnancies, I had some implantation spotting 5-7 days after the IUI.  So that would be any day now...

I'm just beginning to realize how much I want this to work.  Or maybe I'm just starting to admit that I want this to work.  It seems like the desire is even more real now, because I now know the emotion and love that comes along with brining home a baby.  In my mind I picture introducing Sherbert to his new sibling, being a happy family of 4, etc. etc.

For those of you still trying for #1: I know you probably hate me right now.  When I was in your shoes I hated me too!  "At least you have one!"  "I would be happy with one happy, healthy child".  And trust me, I am.  So, so incredibly happy with my little Sherbie man.  I love that little boy more than I ever thought I could love anyone...but I want him to have a sibling, I want to experience pregnancy and (yes!) childbirth again, breastfeeding, and all the other things that come along with having an infant.

If this doesn't work we will try again.  We have one vial of swimmers left.  After that, I'm just not sure.

In the meantime, I'm hoping theres a little embie burrowing itself inside!

P.S.  Have you ever had to put Estrace up your va-jay-jay?  It's getting kind of old. :p

Locked and loaded

11 million or so spermies are currently making their way up my ho-ha. Swim swimmers, swim! Meet those eggs and make me a baby!

Hi, my name is Mandy

...and I'm a freaking ditz. Totally missed my ultrasound appointment this morning. I thought it was Friday...oops! Fortunately they called and were able to squeeze me in. My lining went from 3mm yesterday to 5mm today. I guess the estrace (put straight into the va-jay-jay) is working! The follicles are still looking good, my doc said this is a "great cycle". So they had me take my ovidrel and we're set for the IUI tomorrow afternoon! I've been thinking about the girls a lot lately, as we're coming up on their birthday (6/13). I just realized that my beta will be on/near that date. I'm taking it as a good sign...my angels will be watching over us. Thank you all so much for your positive thoughts and comments, I really appreciate it!

Ron-Bob is on vacation.

...and his stand-in seemed to think follicles must be growing in my anus, cause that's where she tried to insert the dildo-cam. Can you say "ouch"? I was about to say "um...pretty sure you've got the wrong hole there darlin'" when she figured it out herself. Thank goodness.

Anyway, I have several mature follicles. As usual, they seem to be hanging out on leftie...one measuring 27, another at 26, and another at 19. Righty has some smaller ones.

I'm scheduled to go back Friday, and was instructed to bring my ovidrel with...assuming my lining thickens (it was a little thin today), they'll have me do the shot right away and I'll go back to the clinic for the IUI Saturday. Yikes!

There are so many things I'm worried about: what if it doesn't work? We only have 2 vials of our donor left...and he's stopped donating. What if it works and we end up with multiples? I have faith my body could handle twins...but more? What if?

I know I need to take this all one step at a time, but it's hard not to think of all the possible outcomes. At the end of the day, I have my handsome, smart, energetic, frustrating, lovable little Sherbert at home...and for that I'm eternally grateful.

"I need to go to the gas station to get some gas."

Here we go again...

I had a romantic date this morning with Ron-Bob the dildo cam guy. He's so smooth with that thing. Seriously ladies...you should come to Fargo just for your monitoring. Smooooth operator, I tell ya. Anyway, yes...I had a baseline ultrasound this morning. Start on Clomid 100 tomorrow (can't afford the injectibles!). Go back for another date with Ron-Bob next Wednesday, and likely have the IUI next Friday or Saturday. Yikes! I can't believe we're jumping back on this crazy train again...here goes nothin!

its a no-go

I had to cancel our attempt for this month. I realized I would likely be out of town when the insemination would need to take place...and, well, I don't have a stand-in uterus.

And I need to wean off some medication (Pa.xil) and caffeine...so I guess it's for the best.

So why am I still disappointed?

I also realized I'm scared. Like really, really scared. What if it doesn't work? What if it does? It's been so long since I've faced the IF fear, I've fogotten how awful it is.

In the meantime, I'm continuing to be thankful for all that I have - B, Sherbie, the dogs, and the rest of my family.

Day 1

Cycle Day 1 is near. TMI, perhaps...but I know you don't come here for my modesty.

First step will be the (always lovely) baseline ultrasound. It's been a long time since I've seen my girlie bits on a flat screen, I'm actually a bit nervous. What if it all shriveled up and died since I had Mr. Sherbs? Or grown some gangly mass of uterine gunk? I guess time will tell.


Somewhere along the road I'll start Clomid.


Before day 11 I will have my HSG...yayayay I can't wait! I just looove having dyes and shit shot into my girlie bits. I had one several years ago that hurt like a sonofabitch. All worth it in the end though.


Assuming all goes well I'll shoot up with a lil Ovidrel and head in for the swimmers.


...and then wait.

Goodie.

Cute Sherbert picture...hopefully makes up for the brief/crappy post.

So I had this appointment...

...with a doctor who knows lots 'bout girlie bits and spermies and eggs and all that jazz.

Yeah, we're gonna give it another shot. Sherbert wants a baby brother or sister. Actually, he would like a baby brother named Diego or a sister named Dora, but that's another story. (Side note: PUh-LEASE don't let it be a Dora, her head is fucking HUGE...ouch)

So at the first sign of AF I'll be heading in for a HSG to clean out the 'ol tubes. Since my insurance completely dropped fertility benefits, we'll be trying a round with Clomid...and well, we'll see how it goes.

Yikes.

Am I really gonna do this again?

Guess so.

In the meantime, I am so incredibly, totally, unbelievably in love with this little guy:

How could we not try to make a Sherbert Jr.?? :)

Photo Card

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guess what?

We accepted an offer on our house last night! Wooohooooo!!! The days of living in my parents basement are now officially numbered!

We're totally bending over and taking it up the ass financially, but we're pretty sure its the best we're gonna do. We'll end up living with my parents until spring-ish, but it will all be worth it in the end.

And also? We close October 31. That's like...just a month away. Holy crap! So many things to figure out, such as:

-How to come up with the boatload of money we need to bring to closing
-Where the f*ck we're going to put all of our stuff
-When are we going to find the time to pack everything?
-And yeah...that pesky money thing again...why didn't I plant a money tree last spring??

But overall I'm SUPER happy. It's been so stressful, not knowing how long we would be in this situation. Poor Sherbert doesn't know what the heck is going on...he probably thinks its normal to live in your Grandmas basement, go to your house once a month or so, and basically bounce from place to place. Fortunately he LOVES grandmas house, so it hasn't been so bad. One of these days I'll be able to tell him we're "going home" and actually mean it!

Woohoooo, happy happy happy! :)

updates

Argh, life is stressful right now.

• We're still living with my parents. Wait, let me repeat that. We. Are. Still. Living. With. My. Parents. Fortunately we get along really well and its not that bad...but seriously? The market is SO slow, we're averaging 1-2 showings per MONTH. And now we're heading into winter. Not good. I honestly don't know what we're going to do if it doesn't sell soon.


• B's still being a bit of a douche. We continue to work at things, but its still rough. Well, I should clarify: I'm working at things. Grrr...


• The evil IL's have resurfaced. Again. They tend to pop up near major holidays, birthdays, etc. Sherbert's 2nd birthday is coming up, so of course they're acting up. We continue to ignore them, but they're getting more and more sneaky and more and more douchey. To say I hate them would be an understatement.

But...BUT, I have many amazing things in my life. Numero uno is my little Sherbie man. He continues to amaze me. He's growing and learning at such an astounding rate, it boggles my mind! And he's going to be TWO!! *sniffle* My baby boy is growing up!

Wasn't he just a baby, like...a week ago?



Even with all the stress in my life, this little man keeps me grounded. Sane. Well, he can drive me a little insane at times, but its all worth it.


Sherbie notes:

• Talking in 4-5 word sentences


• Obsessed with tractors and trains


• Still loves to sing and dance


• 26.6 pounds (I only know this because he insists on weighing himself every night after bathtime and reports his weight to Grandma) "Wenty sisss POUnns."


• Loves his daycare friends


• Favorite foods: "apple ass" (Applesauce), "ogurt", and "berries"


• Has gone pee pee on the potty a few times, but has recently lost interest in it.

There's so much more to write, but I have neither the time nor the energy. But a little something is better than nothing, right?

Awww, you guys...

You sure know how to make a girl feel better...and for that I reward you with Sherbert pics:

My mom puts this stupid pink bib on me ALL the time. I am NOT "Little Miss Sunshine"!!

Best part of living with Nana: the lake!

Excuses

Excuses are like assholes – we all have them, and they all stink.  My excuse for not blogging?  I'm just a tad mental.  Like crazy-busy-don't-know-what-I-should-be-doing-right-now mental crazy fuckedupedness.  You like that word?  Thanks, made it up myself.

 

Anyway, you're probably wondering what kind of fuckedupedness can lead to me neglecting this blog for *ahem* nearly two months.  Well, just a couple of things:

 

1.       B took a new job 4 ½ hours from our home.  Which is awesome because it gets us closer to family, but sucks because the housing market…well, SUCKS.  Which led us to…

 

2.       We moved in with my parents.  Whaaa?  Yep, you heard right…B, Sherbert, Diddle the 106 lb yellow lab, Lida the overweight beagle, and I all moved into my moms basement.  Awwwesomeness, right?  It's actually not that bad, but we're definitely ready for our house to sell so we can buy our own home!

 

3.       Sherbert had to leave the school where he was doing great – loved his teachers and his friends.  We thought we found a great place in the new community, but it turned out to be run by a bunch of passive aggressive bee-atches.  So he's started at a new place today.  So far, so good.

 

4.       I love living close to family, even though it's a bit too close right now…but that also means a long ass commute for me.  Fortunately I only have to do it once or twice a month, the rest of the time I work from home.

 

5.       We have no money.  I can't quite figure out why, it's like some crazy money-eater is hacking into my bank account and draining it.  Except there isn't a money-eater, just B, Sherbert, and me, who tend to use up more money than we bring in, which isn't really a good thing.  Damn you bank and your pesky overdraft fees.

 

6.       My marriage is currently shit.  Partially due to the stresses of 1-5, partially because I'm an emotionally stressed out bitch, partially because B is a dick.

 

7.       My weight is currently on an upswing.  I'm up about 10 pounds from my half-marathon (May) weight.  I realize this isn't really a reason for not blogging – but I just wanted to take a moment to acknowledge my fat ass.  As B is fond of saying (about his own blubber): it's quite the investment.  Think about all the money that is spent feeding my ass – Simply Caramel Milky Ways (holy SHIT have you tried them?  Yummmmmmydeliciousness!!) don't just grow on trees, my friends!  Hmmm…maybe this is leading to #5?

 

Eh.  So that's my list of lame excuses.  Today I'm focusing on #6 – my marriage.

 

Things haven't been too pretty lately.  It seems like all we do is fight.  We don't communicate well, never really have.  B has a tendency to shift into attack mode.  I usually have 4-5 comebacks and then roll over and just take it.  Then B accuses me of rolling over and taking it.  His fight pattern really reminds me of someone…hmmm…

 

Oh yeah – just like his good ol' dad!  It's actually scary how much he's becoming like him.  I truly hate his father, and I can't imagine living with someone like him.  Being a part of that toxic environment, being the whipping girl during his bad moods.

 

It's not that B is a bad guy.  He sometimes sees when he's acting like his father and it makes him sick.  But more and more it's something that just happens, he doesn't quite know how unreasonable he's being.  How manipulative. 

 

I'm struggling so much because I really don't know where to go from here.  We have some great times, we really do.  It's just that lately the bad outweighs the good.  It makes me so sad to think about Sherbert having divorced parents.  No, scratch that…it literally breaks my heart in two and twists my stomach into knots.  It also makes me heartbroken to think about life without my B.  So I know that we can fix this…we have to fix this.

 

We had a few really great counseling sessions before we moved.  We have an appointment with a new therapist on Wednesday.  I'm crossing my fingers that we can make some progress.

 

So how's that…good enough excuse for my lack of blogging?  Nah, didn't think so, but thought I would give it a try.

 

 

Three years.

It seems like a lifetime ago I walked in through those hospital doors pregnant with twins...and a few hours later out, empty and alone.

I distinctly remember walking into the hospital behind a family, a mom, dad, and identical twin girls, about 18 months old. They were wearing little summery dresses and big ruffley white hats. I remember trying to get ahead of them so I wouldn't have to be reminded of what I would never have.

The last three years have brought unimagineable pain - the days and weeks after the girls were born were gut-wrenchingly awful. But I've also experienced inexplicable joy - the birth of Sherbert, so many "firsts", and just his daily shenanigans that make me laugh. The last three years have taught me so many lessons, showed me how strong I really can be...and who my true friends are.

I took today off. Not to lay in bed and cry like I did that first year...but to sit and reflect. To let myself imagine. Remember. No matter how hard I try, the thoughts always come back to Sherbert. Instead of stopping those thoughts, I'm starting to embrace them. Perhaps its the girls way of telling me it's okay to move on. Today has been a turning point, in a way, I now find myself happy for the time we did have together, versus dwelling on the things we missed.

I love you forever and always, Kar.is and Ad.dison. I love you.

I hate these posts.

Please head over to Lis and give her your love and support...she just lost her precious twins, Thomas Albert Jr and Bayli Rae at 21w2d. She lost her twin girls, Ayla and Juliet at 20 weeks in 2009. I don't know how someone gets through it once, let alone twice.

You guys are amazing, I know you'll help her through it.

The one where I post a pic of my ass

Recently the following conversation occured in the noswimmers household.

M: Hey B, take a picture of my ass. (Hands him the camera)

B: What?

M: Take. A. Picture. Of. My. Ass.

B: Umm...ok?

M: I want to make sure these running capris don't make my ass look larger than it already is...I would like to wear them on race day, but want to know what I look like from behind before I take the tags off.

B: Uh...ok. (Snaps a pic)

M: Oh my God! My underwear totally show through!

B: No they don't! (Reaches for camera and takes a good look)...that's just the flash. You're fine.

M: (Looks again and checks undies to determine color) - Nope, they're totally my underwear, you can see them perfectly - they're pink! (Takes a picture of my own ass)

B: You're fine.

M: You're blind.

My half marathon is Saturday. I returned the transparent capris. You're welcome, Fargo.

On the road again

Well, not right now, but hopefully soon enough. We put our house on the market last week. If you remember, we moved to our current home less than 2 years ago. Throughout my entire life I've never lived farther than an hour from my family. The move 2 years ago gave B a big promotion, but put us 4.5 hours away from family. Not that I'm a mommy's girl, hell, I've gone a month without talking to my mom...but with the arrival of Sherbert 19 months ago, having family around became a priority.

B was recently given the opportunity to transfer to an office in my hometown...so we snatched it. My job is very flexible, allowing me to work from pretty much anywhere in MN. So...the noswimmers clan is gearing up for another move!

I'm pretty sure its the kinibley shaft, dad...

B starts the new job June 1. He plans on staying with my parents (Lord help them!) until we sell and can purchase a new place.

I'm really really REALLY hoping the house sells fast. Our realtor assures us its priced right, we've cleaned everything up and removed excess furniture/clutter. *sigh* I just don't want to be trapped here with two dogs and a toddler all by myself!!

1980s Diet Pepsi ad

We were very fortunate last time around, the house sold within a couple of weeks and we were out within 6! I'm really hoping it goes as smoothly this time.

So I put these round things in this basket? I can do that!

If you know of anyone looking for a home south of the Twin Cities (MN)...send them my way!

This is our last move, ever. I swear. I know we've said that the last 4-5 times we've moved, but this is it. Right?

thank you

First of all, I have to say thank you for all of the comments on my last post. Things have actually been much better. I'm not naive enough to think our problems are solved, but we're at least working on them. I had an appointment with my therapist, who suggested meeting indivdually for a while. In the meantime, B and I are working on communicating better, supporting each other more, and giving each other a break once in a while. It's an uphill battle, but things are definitely better.

In less depressing news, guess who's almost 19 months old?? I have a walking, talking, biting little man on my hands. He's been quite the troublemaker, biting all the other kids at school. Five times in one day is his personal best. I'm pretty sure the other parents hate us. Time outs are helping, and we're currently on a 2-day no biting streak *knock on wood*.

Mom says I'm not always this innocent.

Hey Mabel...did ya hear the one about the duck? It QUACKed me up!

In other news...

A few months back I must have been in a particularly optimistic mood and signed up for the Fargo Half Marathon. Yes, I'm the same chica who huffed and puffed her way through a 5k last fall. Now I'm fixin' to run 13.1 miles at the end of May. Lord help me.

I'm on week 7 of a 12-week training program. With the exception of some knee and calf pain, so far, so good. *knock on wood again*

I got to pet a bunny when we went for Easter photos!

Mom and Dad say the girls like to see a little chest.

It's kind of fun to watch my body transform. Once I stoped worrying about the number on the scale and started focusing on running longer/faster/farther, the pounds started coming off. I'm still about 40 pounds away from where I want to be, but it's progress. Oh yeah, I also cut me some bangs...a big change for me.

Mom apologizes for the flabby-ass arms, skanky black-bra-under-white-tank combo, no makeup, and bad hair day, but she thinks this is a cute picture of us.

We're also gearing up to put our house on the market...yep, moving again. I don't have the energy to go into all the details (yet), but it will be a positive change.

Most of all, I just wanted to say thanks for all the love and support!!

Favor?

Please go give my friend Jen a big virtual hug. She is an amazing woman...always there when you need her...and now she could use a little love.

The Big D

...and I don't mean Dallas. Or Donor. Divorce. Now, before you go all ape shit, let me say that no, I'm not getting one. But for the first time in eight years of marriage the thought has rolled around in my mind, and the word even escaped my lips last weekend.

Things have been rough in the noswimmers household. B is stressed about work. I'm stressed about work, Sherbert, and household stuff. We fight constantly. Mostly its about stupid piddly shit, but sometimes its about the big stuff - who we are as individuals, where we see ourselves going, etc.

For the most part, we don't fight during the week...we don't see enough of each other to get into it. It's the weekend that usually brings trouble. B + whiny toddler = extreme frustration, leading to intense arguments with me. B loves Sherbert with all of his heart, but he's not the most patient man. Doesn't quite know how to deal when the kiddo gets upset. I usually end up taking the full force of his frustration.

I also see B becoming more and more like his father. This scares the living shit out of me, since his dad is a condescending, manipulative asshole. (We don't have a relationship, if you didn't already know) The sad thing is, B sees it too. He's commented that his behavior reminds him of his dad, and he hates it. He doesn't want to be him...he's not him...but sometimes he acts a hell of a lot like him.


I feel like I'm constantly walking on eggshells, or through a minefield, trying not to trigger an explosion. So I try to keep Sherbert from whining. I do everything I can to keep his screaming to a minimum...but its all becoming a bit much.


Last weekend is a perfect example. It's a really stupid story...a fight about nothing, but it's a good example of our pattern. The three of us planned a day of play/shopping. IKEA, Target, and the grocery store were our pit stops (IKEA counts as playtime!). One thing you must understand about B - he hates crowds. He doesn't like to admit that he can't handle it though, so he bottles it up and explodes a few hours later. I could practically set my watch to it. So IKEA on a Saturday probably wasn't the best idea. B was trying to make the best of it, making up stupid songs and singing them as we shopped. By time we left he was a little edgy, but he was trying to remain calm. I did my best to keep Sherbert happy in the backseat. B snapped a few times, but overall it was ok.


By time we got to Target I could tell B was ready to explode. When he gets to this point I have to be really careful what I do/say, and what Sherbert does...the littlest thing will set him off. I try to make jokes, to get him to laugh...sometimes it works and his attitude flips...sometimes it doesn't. Unfortunately this wasn't a flippin' kinda day.


We had just turned the corner into the pasta aisle. A guy had just walked by, but was out of earshot. I heard (what I thought to be) a fart. I started laughing and said to B: "Nice fart". He said "I didn't fart!". I laughed and said "OMG, I heard it clear as day, you did too!". He said "No, I didn't". Not recognizing the attitude shift was my first mistake. I should have left it at that. Instead, I pushed the issue one more time, insisting that it was, in fact, him. He got silent, and pissed. I apologized, saying I thought it was him, but it must have been the guy who had just walked by. Normally this is something we laugh and joke around about. But the pressure of the day got to him and he was mad.


Now, we were in the middle of a crowded store, so we couldn't exactly scream at each other (although we have), so we had a heated argument in somewhat hushed tones. I'm apologizing and he's accusing me of announcing to the store that he farted. (Stupid fight, right??)


Anyway, it gets to the point where he says to another shopper "Don't mind her...she just farted". I got pissed (and incredibly embarassed!) and walked off with Sherbert. We played in the toy aisle until B found us...and he was not happy. The rest of the shopping trip was tense, to put it mildly.


Of course it all came out when we got into the car. It went roughly like this:
Mandy - "I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to..."
B - "I can't do this anymore"
Mandy - "I'm sorry, I really thought it was you."
B - "Who are we kidding, we should just call it quits. I don't want to fight anymore. I hate fighting around Sherbert."
Mandy - "I'm sorry..."
...etc, etc. This usually goes on and on until I'm left a sobbing mess...then he gets mad that I'm crying...then it ends.


Then a few hours later he apologized. Said he didn't mean it. He was just frustrated.


This is a very typical pattern for us:
1. B comes home stressed about something
2. I sense stress and try to lighten the mood and avoid any triggers
3. I inevitably set off a trigger - could be anything from not cleaning my car to Sherbert throwing a tantrum
4. B launches an attack
5. I apologize, not always understanding why I'm apologizing
6. B keeps attacking until I break down and cry
7. B gets mad that I'm crying
8. B does his own thing for a while
9. B apologizes
10. Rinse and repeat


I know this isn't healthy. We've been to a marriage therapist a few times now, and it's helping a little....but we have a long way to go. I underestimated the amount of stress having a kid has on a marriage. We had some rocky times before Sherbert, but nothing like this. A child adds a dimension and complexities I never even considered. Not that I'm complaining...Gawd no, I love my Sherbie and would do anything for him.

I think B needs to see a therapist on his own, but has been reluctant to do so. Macho man bullshit. I may just make an appointment for him.


I don't know where I'm going with this...I guess I just needed a little space to vent. I can't continue on this road, but I can't see my life without B. We have some really stressful things coming up in the next few months, I'm hoping that once those things are out of the way we'll be back to the "old" us. I hope.