the name game - results show

I'm not gonna go all Ry.an Se.acr.est on your ass and make you wade through an hours worth of bullshit.

Sherberts real name is...

Did you get it right?? Go get yourself a cookie. Wrong? Eat a freakin' cookie anyway. Cause thats how I roll.

Oohhh...cookies.

the name game

Hmmm...whatever could it be??

Sunday night randomness

I've been meaning to apologize for a LONG time to anyone who tagged me/gave me an award. I made a list in an email and...uh...sort of lost the emails. I'm sorry! I'm totally blaming the little man for this one. Love ya, Sherbs.

Corinn took some awesome pictures at the beach for Ka.ris and Ad.dison! Check them out here. How cool is that??

And check out what Leslee sent Sherbie! Isn't it the cutest??

Oh, and some belly shots from yesterday. Again, not the slutty drunken college kind.

Here I am at 28 weeks 5 days. Woah! I told B today that he's going to have to start shaving my girlie bits, cause I can't see them anymore. Cause, you know...you needed to know that.

The white tee I'm wearing is hilarious, I've been getting so many comments on it. It says "We're hoping its a pony." Teehee.

B and I went to a festival today and people were stopping me left and right. I thought about ordering this one, but thought I might get bitch-slapped. I thought this one would get me a few dirty looks from the senior population. I also liked this one. Oooh....and this one would be LOTS of fun at about 35 weeks. By the way, I have no affiliation with that site, I just like their sense of humor.

Coming soon: the name game! We've decided 'Sherbert' wouldn't work well in the corporate world. ;)

PASS!

My sorry fat ass actually passed the 1 hour glucose test. w00t!

still plugged

First of all, thank you all so much for your comments regarding the ass-hat anonymous douche bag. You cracked me up with your comments. I was in tears as I read it for the first time, but as the day went on I just had to laugh. My 10-year-old niece writes better than that. Anyway, enough attention for the douche.

**TMI ALERT**

Did you know that you can see pictures of real mucous plugs online? Like ones that just came out of some pregnant chick and are nicely displayed* on a bathroom counter or on a piece of t.p.? I didn't either, till I googled it at 3am.

Mabel has this tendency to want to pee/poop/play around 3am every night. After our nightly adventure, I went to the bathroom. Being the whacked-out infertile I am, I *always* check the tp. It was clear. Satisfied, I got up and went to flush. That's when I saw a bunch of mucous-y blobs floating in the toilet.

Commence freak-out.

Of course I fished one out with a q-tip (hey, I warned ya!) and checked the consistency. It was all rubbery/waxy.

Queue Dr. Google. The pics I found didn't look like what I had, so I was a little reassured. I called the hospital and they told me to put on a pad and see if I had any additional discharge...and if I had a gush to come in immediately.

This morning I felt fine. The cramps I had the night before had gone away. No discharge. So I started my day, which consisted of a 2-hour drive to a meeting. On the way I decided to call Dr. TF's nurse, just for some additional reassurance.

She asked if I could come in, which freaked me out even more.

At this point I was more than an hour away, so I arranged to come in late afternoon.

The results:
Urine? - a-ok
Heartbeat? - loud and clear
Cervical check? - closed, not dilated *whew!!*

Did you hear my sigh of relief? In my mind I was dilated and about to deliver Mr. Sherbs. He was kickin' away and I kept telling myself that he could survive at 28 weeks. I am just so, so thankful that everything is okay! I wish to remain plugged for quite some time, thankyouverymuch.

While I was there, Dr. TF had me do the 1-hour glucose test. I chose the cola, and it wasn't so bad going down...but it did make me feel a bit queasy a few minutes later. Fingers crossed that I pass!


*Anyone else wonder if these people keep their plugs? Like, they're displayed in a shadow box in the nursery or something? Ew.

nasty anonymous comment

I thought about not giving this person the time of day, but I just can't help it. I received a pretty nasty comment on and old post today.

I've read it a few times, and I'm not quite sure how to take it. At first I was hurt (s/he said I'm "not ready nor mature enough to be a mother"). Ouch.

Then I realized this person may have been too damned stupid to realize that I was being facetious in my original post. That made me giggle.

Anyway, here's the comment:

get the fuck over it. obviously your not ready nor mature enough to be a mother. if you want to be an alcoholic or whore be one NOBODY cares. your the only one who has to suffer your consequences not those white trash, crack head mothers who HAVE kids

Oh...and here's the original post. It was 6 days after we found out the girls had passed away, so I was (understandably, I think?) in a very angry, bitter place. A bit over the top, perhaps, but I wasn't exactly in a great frame of mind.

Like I said, I thought about not giving this comment the time of day, but I just have to know what others think. Is s/he just a complete ass, or dumber than a box of rocks? Or maybe both?

Or maybe she's my evil step mother-in-law!

Wednesday night Q&A with noswimmers

Does B really wipe your ass?

LOL, nope...but had I gone full-term with the girls it was a strong possibility. I mean seriously...how could I reach...either diretion? Then again, I like Io's suggestion of washing up with a garden hose. Can you imagine looking out your kitchen window to see the enormously pregnant neighbor lady washing her ass with a garden hose? Yeah...I kinda like that idea.


How are you doing with the move, etc.?

We're doing great! That's cause we haven't done a damned thing. I had a couple of moving companies come out for a quote, and we settled on one that will pack EVERYTHING! Obviously we'll take valuables ourselves, but its really taken some stress out of the whole deal. The whole move will only take a few days. One day for packing, one day for loading, one for cleaning, and one for unloading. We do all the unpacking, but I actually like that part, so it shouldn't be too bad.

I'm just so thankful B's employer pays for the movers. We couldn't afford to hire them ourselves, and I sure as hell won't be too much help at 30 weeks!

Didn't you just move into that house?

Yep, 8 months ago. Sucks donkey balls.


How are your new neighbors?

They are all SANE! Can you believe it?? Its been a complete life-changing experience to have neighbors that aren't psychotic. We chat once in a while and help each other out. What a concept, right?? Hopefully we'll have good luck at the new place as well. I will never underestimate the value of a good neighbor ever again!

Do you have any new Sherbie video?

Funny you should ask! (Okay...so no one asked, I totally planted that question). Check these buggers out. Again, its a video of a video, but pretty dang cool nonetheless. Oh, and for the record that's not my music, it came on the DVD from the ultrasound place.

This one has some good face shots:



Another:



And my personal favorite, Sherbie flippin' us the birdie! I have a fac.ebook "friend" who is a radiologist, and he confirmed that the little dude is indeed giving us the finger! It happens at about :09. ROFL!



I think that's it for now. If I don't write before, I hope you all have a safe & happy 4th of July. To my friends outside the states: happy...umm...Saturday?

Third Trimester

Woah. So freakin' weird writing that. I'm there. Third trimester today...can you believe it? Mr. Sherbie is still hangin' in there!

It doesn't feel quite real yet. I keep expecting to have this 'Holy Shit I'm gonna have a baby' moment, but it hasn't hit quite yet. Probably won't until I'm feet-in-stirrups screaming my freakin' head off. Or when I'm holding little Sherbs.

In the meantime he's keeping me quite entertained, kicking and/or punching all the time (I can't quite tell the difference yet). It's amazing. He managed to give me a couple of good ones...I can't imagine what the full-force blows will feel like. Yikes!

I also have a ferocious appetite. It never ends! Fortunately my cravings have been for relatively healthy food. I'll let you know how my system reacts to a dinner consisting of 2 ears of corn, some raw green beans, and several stalks of celery. Oh, and a couple cubes of cheese. Oh, and no worries on the protein front, I had a massive turkey, tomato, and spinach sandwich for lunch, along with a half a cup or so of cottage cheese. Don't get me started on snack time.

While I am happy beyond belief experiencing all of these feelings with Sherbie, it makes me even more sad when I think of all the things I didn't get to do/seel/feel with the girls. I never felt them kick. I didn't get to see their little faces in 3D. I didn't get a chance to balloon to epic proportions and have B wipe my ass. All those silly little things.

At the same time I find myself smiling a little more and crying a little less when I think of my daughters. I want their lives to be more than just their deaths. I've said it before and I'll say it again: those beautiful little souls taught me more about love and life in their 20 weeks than anyone else could teach me in a lifetime.

Love you, girls.

Sherbie pics - 26w4d

We had our second 3D ultrasound tonight. We bought a package that included 2 ultrasounds, so this was the last one! :(

I didn't think it was possible to be any more in love with this little guy, but WOW...seeing his face makes it all so real. He's really chubbed out since the 17 week ultrasound. He even has little rolls in places--eek!

And yeah...I'm pretty sure he was giving us the finger in the last pic. Teehee.

Sending love...

Please stop by my friend LaLa's blog, she needs some love right now.

Slow down? Who, me??

I got a bit of a reality check Saturday night. Ya see, I have a little bit of a problem. I'm not willing/able to slow down. I've never been one to ask for much help...if I want something done, I just do it! Whether its build a dog house & porch, re-seed the lawn, or move a desk, I just go ahead and do it.

I haven't really slowed down much since Sherbie implanted himself in my ute. Sure it took me a bit longer than it normally would have to tear up the brown patches in the front lawn by hand and re-seed it, but I did it! Same goes for all the painting, cleaning, and general sell-the-house crap I had to do over the last month. On Thursday night I had to crawl under our deck (which is maybe 2ft off the ground) and dig a trench. On my belly, in the mud and pouring rain. With the tornado sirens going off. B was out of town and it had to be done...the previous owner told us that if we didn't keep it clear we could have water in the basement. Last thing we need, ya know?

I am superwoman, damnit.

Then came the weekend. We had a big rummage sale fundrasier for our local Humane Society. Friday night I helped for an hour or so, hauling boxes out and setting up tables. Nothing too heavy, but strenuous enough to work up a major sweat.

Then Saturday came. I was out pounding in stakes and putting up signs at 6:30am. Spent the day in the scorching heat, hauling shit and generally running around. Around 11 I left for a few minutes to grab lunch. I felt a bit dizzy and nauseus so I drank a Coke, figuring I just needed some sugar. (Note: I usually avoid caffeine) I drank a couple of bottles of water throughout the day, but it probably wasn't enough.

All in all, I put in about 10 hours at the sale. I felt fine until about 10pm that night, when I felt a noticeable contraction. It wasn't painful or anything, just a tightening sensation. I freaked out a bit, but just took note of the time and tried to forget it. About 12 minutes later, the same thing. Then 5 minutes after that.

Trying to avoid an "I told you so" from B, I snuck upstairs and called the hospital. The nurse was very nice and asked if I had done anything out of the ordinary that day. I admitted that I had a rather strenuous day. She guessed that I just overdid it and was dehydrated, so she had me lay down on my side and drink a bunch of water. If the contractions didn't stop in an hour, she said I could come in. Fortunately they did.

So I'm trying to tell myself that I have to slow down. I actually made some progress today: we had some cleanup to do from the sale and I didn't go! I feel reaaaallly guilty about it, but I have to put Sherbie first. Cause we haven't come this far just to lose it all.

Eeeeeeekkk!

OOooh--congratulations to Erika!

Check out the beautiful little Blythe!

Sherbie update & new house pics

The Sherbster and I had our 25 week checkup yesterday. Dr. TF just measured my belly (24cm - right on target) and listened to the heartbeat with the doppler. That was pretty much it...rather unexciting, which is just fine with me. We don't need the drama!

Dr. TF did like my shirt though. I liked his scrubs but refrained from saying so. Teehee.

We discussed the move. If all goes well, I'll be 30 weeks. Dr. TF wants to see me one more time before we leave (sniff, sniff), at 29 weeks for my GD test. Besides the fact that Dr. TF is, well, ummm...easy on the eyes, I trust him. I love the nurses. I'm comfortable there. It's going to be hard to leave their care.

I did speak to the ob department at the new clinic. They have 5 OB/gyns on staff and they want me to get to know them all, as whoever is on call when I go into labor will be delivering. All the docs meet once a week to discuss each 'high risk' case, so they'll all be up-to-speed on my history. They're affiliated with the super-duper giganto center that houses the MFM department I visited after we lost the girls. They're also pretty close to that world-famous clinic we have here in good ol' MN. Really, its not a bad place to be.

Speaking of places, we bought a house! The sellers were asses, but we're in LOVE with the house. Within the first 2 minutes of being in the house we knew we wanted it. The owners are incredibly anal and everything is spotless. It's move-in ready, something we've never had!

It's the one Jendeis said looks like a cool Brady Bunch house (lol, love her!). Unfortunately Alice is not included. :(

Oh...and cause I know you'll ask: there's only a teeny-tiny bit of wallpaper (in the sun room/porch), and its not that bad. There's also a border in the kitchen, but I can live with it.

rainbows

What a special weekend. There was lots of laughter and plenty of tears sprinkled in. It was hard to believe that our girls have been gone an entire year.

As soon as B got home we went for a little walk on our land. B was the one to notice it. A rainbow. If you remember, rainbows hold special meaning for me. I have a picture of one from the day my dad died, as well as one from the night last year when we found out the girls had passed away.

We knew it came from them. It was so comforting, so magical. I sat in the grass and stared at it, thanking my beautiful girls for letting me know that they are okay.





Then we sat under the girls tree:






















Our favorite place to relax on a nice day:















Looking up from my chair. When the leaves aren't out, you can still see the balloon strings.















The kids hung out with us, making sure we laughed at their antics. They always seem to know when we need a smile.





















Mabel and her "prize", a tennis ball B had run over with the lawn mower.





















Just being a spaz:




















Best buddies:



















Tungsty was tired!


















He knows he's handsome.







































Then there's me, 24w5d on the girls birthday. I have no idea why we took a picture with the neighbors house in the background. Hmmm...















So there we have it.

Thank you all SO MUCH for your kind words, lighting candles, releasing balloons, your acts of kindness. It softened the blow of that day, knowing that there were people all over the world doing things and thinking of Ka.ris and Ad.dison. From the bottom of my heart, thank you.

A letter to myself

Dear Mandy 1 year ago today:

Today you will have your heart ripped out and stomped on. Repeatedly. It will be a constant beating, one you're not sure you can handle. The pain will not ease up for quite some time. It will never fully go away.

You will learn a lot over the next year. Some things will turn you into a cynic; others will make you a better person.

• You will learn who truly loves you.
• You could never guess those who will have your back, and those that will leave you to fend for yourself.
• Some of the people you love and trust will betray you the most.
• Others who love you will be an unconditional source of love and support.
• Unless they've experienced it, no one can or will understand your pain.
• You will quit wasting time on those who don't/can't care for others.
• The blogosphere will become your lifeline. You could not make it through the next year without it.
• Your marriage will grow stronger. You will realize how amazing B is and how your love can get you through anything.
• Your IL's are complete assholes and will leave you homeless during one of the lowest points in your life. (Okay...so I just HAD to throw that one in there!)
• You will grow a backbone.
• You will know how it feels to be a mother.
• You will become a more compassionate person.
• You will know how it feels to watch your husband write "parents" on the "relationship to deceased" on forms at the funeral home.
• You will hold your daughters foot and never want to let go.
• You will know how it feels to be completely helpless as you hold your big, strong husband as he weeps uncontrollably. You would do anything to make that pain go away.
• You are a stronger person than you realize.

It's so hard to believe its been a year. It feels like just yesterday...yet a lifetime ago.

Tomorrow is Ka.ris and Addis.on's birthday. I committed to judging a dog show, but that only lasts a few hours. After that I plan on releasing some balloons and spending some time under their tree.

I had a fellow blogger ask what she could do to remember the girls. If you feel so inclined (don't feel like you have to!), I would be honored if you would do one of the following:

• Release balloons
• Light a candle
• Say a prayer
• Perform a random act of kindness. It can be as simple as a smile to a complete stranger. The thought that these little actions can spread so quickly makes me smile...the love for my girls affecting random people. Kind of reminds me of this commercial:

To everyone who has been there over the past year: thank you. To those who are new: thank you. I wouldn't be who I am today without each and every one of you.

viability

If Sherbert popped out today, he would have a 50% chance of survival. Crazy. 24 weeks. I never thought I would make it to this point.

Not that it makes me feel any better. I mean, we've all read the stories of full-term stillbirth. Or infant death. Does the worrying ever stop? I told Dr. TF at the last visit that I probably wouldn't stop worrying till the kid was like 5. He said it was more like 18...if at all.

The cool news? B felt Sherbie for the first time last night! Several times over the last few weeks I've grabbed B's hand and put it on my tummy, sure he would feel the little dude squirmin'. Nope...as soon as daddy's hand made it to my belly, he cut off all contact. But not last night! We were watching TV and I felt some fairly strong little kicks. I grabbed B's hand and pressed it to my belly. After a few seconds he (B) jumped and said "holy shit, was that him??" It was so dang cute. I'm not sure what he thinks has been growing in there, but he definitely got confirmation last night!

It's also a bittersweet week. Just as Sherbert hits that first crucial mark, we remember the too-short lives of our beautiful little girls, whose birthday will be this Saturday, June 13th. Friday the 12th will mark a year since we found out they had passed away. It seems like a lifetime ago, but yesterday...all at the same time. I'm sure we'll release balloons on Saturday. Hopefully it will be a nice day and I can spend some time under their tree, remembering.

More about that later...

The house?? SOLD!

That whole single mother thing? Yeah...not gonna happen. We sold the house!! We got an offer yesterday morning, countered a few times, and landed at a pretty fair price. We had hoped for a little more, but the buyers are currently renting and therefore have no home to sell--HUGE BONUS! The sale was contingent on an inspection, which happened this afternoon--and it passed! There's also a finance contingency, but our realtor has complete confidence in the banker who signed the pre-approval letter. So...holy shit! We're a-movin'! Again!

Closing is July 23rd. I'll be oh...30 weeks pregnant*? Lovely, right? At least B's job pays for moving expenses, meaning yours truly will be doing little to no lifting. Speaking of...we've never used a moving company. Do they really pack all of your shit?? We've never had that luxury, so I don't really know what to expect. Usually B and I haul everything ourselves (screaming and swearing at each other in the meantime, might I add).

Just one minor problem: we haven't found a house yet. We've looked at 15-20 houses, and have only found 2 or 3 potentials. The housing prices in the new area are a bit more pricey, so its taking a little getting used to. We looked at one yesterday that is pretty much move-in ready and has plenty of land...but we're not loving it because its a split entry. Not that it would be the end of the world, but our first home was a split and it was a complete pain in the ass hauling in groceries and shizz. Here's the front:

We're looking at another place on Wednesday, a rambler that just came on the market:

Hopefully we find the right house for the right price and they're willing to close in a little over a month.

Oh...and for those who have been missing out on Mabel & Tungsten pics, here are a couple of cute ones from this week. Mabel found a turtle and was very curious. Tungsten was absolutely TERRIFIED and refused to go near it. Ugh, kids.

*My paranoid ass needs to put the little disclaimer in: if I make it to 30 weeks. Which I hope and pray that I will, but I know its not a given.

Do you have any communication with evil FIL and his crazy wife?

Helllllllllllllll no! The last time either of us spoke to the evil asshole was when B called to tell him that we received an invoice (by mistake) from his attorney. They were going to sue us!! Kind of like getting blood out of a turnup, but really, really shitty nonetheless. Can you imagine contacting an attorney to take action against your own CHILD?? Ugh. That man disgusts me.

What makes it all the more lovely is that we live in a fairly small town and know EVERYONE. I know the attorney! I've run into him at Target! How embarassing is that??!? My asshole FIL knows that I know everyone and chose to hire a local attorney anyway. Asshat.

The lake house is still for sale. He's been sitting on it (and paying out the nose for utilities) since October! One advantage to knowing everyone in town is that I know he's received at least one decent offer, and decided to turn it down. Being the greedy bastard that he is, I'm sure he was holding out for more money.

While I could care less about my future with him (the psycho bitch will NEVER be in our lives!), I am sad for B, and for our little Sherbie. B and his dad were so close. They were more best friends than father-son. I just don't know how they could possibly move on from this. B has had his feelings hurt, and evil FIL has been hit in the pocketbook: the lowest blow possible in either case. Then there's my little Sherbie. Obviously I want him to know his grandfather...but I also couldn't stand by and let him influence my son (??did I just say my son?? wow...first time I've said/written that). So, I guess we'll just see what the future brings.

We're pretty sure they know about Sherbie from B's aunt. It's so sad that they couldn't hear the news straight from us. But...well...what can ya do?

Are you excited to be having a boy (until proven otherwise :) ) or were you wanting another girl? Or were you afraid of another girl?

*deep breath* Okay, I'm going to be completely honest here. When I first found out about little Sherbie, I SO wanted a girl. I wanted to see what my beautiful Ka.ris and Ad.dison would have looked like. I wanted to know what it was like to be a mommy to a little girl. I wanted to see B as the typical overprotective daddy to a little princess.

My gut told me Sherbie was a boy. I tried to ignore it...in my mind, I still *wanted* a girl. As the weeks went on, the boy instinct kept growing stronger and stronger. I can't say I just flipped a switch in my mind, but I am now overjoyed to be having a little man! I've realized that no one can replace my girls. A little brother will be the perfect addition to our little family.

The only problem? Mabel and I are officially outnumbered. Uh-oh. At least one of them walks on all fours and doesn't have testicles. And the other is missing a big chuck o' nut.

* * *

This is the first week of B being away for his new job. It sucks! He left Monday morning and I already miss him like crazy! :( We've had quite a few showings, but no offers yet. *Keep your fingers crossed*, I want to be with B soon!

exhausted

I am so. freaking. exhausted. This house-selling stuff is for the birds. Non-preggo healthy birds, that is.

We have done so much work in the last week and a half. Besides the kitchen counters and my office, I've touched up wall paint, planted flowers, added mulch to flower beds, ripped up dead grass, and put down grass patch stuff. That's just what I have done...B's been doing his own thing.

My back is killing me and I'm tired.

But it will all be worth it if the house sells quickly and I can be with my B. He will be gone pretty much M-F from now on. :( I hate that!!

Sherbie seems to be doing well. The doppler reassures me. :) The little tickles are turning into something bigger. Not quite kicks, but a funky feeling nonetheless.

So forgive me if I'm not posting as often as usual...I'm pooped!

Operation Sell House

Operation Sell House is fully under way. My mom came over yesterday and helped a TON, painting my Pepto Bismol pink office and washing windows. LOVE her.

I prepped the kitchen counters for their makeover, washed screens, cleaned out a bunch of crap from under the deck, and ran errands for B and my mom.

B did the actual counter priming and painting, replaced his bathroom floor (it was FUGLY!) ,

Here was my office before:






























Here it is now. We had to move everything out to make way for the carpet to be installed tomorrow morning, but you get the jist:















Then the kitchen.

In case you need a refresher, here's the monstrosity before we moved in. Remember the orange countertops?? They HAD to go, but we don't have the cash to replace them, so we painted them!

Before:

I did all the prep work, since I couldn't be inside during the actual painting. It took a long time to get everything covered.

More prep:

The after:

Pretty neato, huh? It's a hammered brown spray paint. We still have to put a clear coat on top, but at least its ready for the realtors to do their walk-through tomorrow. We know it holds up because B did a little patch late last fall and it hasn't had any chipping. Yay!